31 Pouts to Die For
by Lonely Kitty
Summary: 31 Pouts to Die For, 27 Death Wishes, 23 Ways to Skin a Rabbit, 17 Hits on the Head with a Clipboard, 9 Killer Komurins, and 13 Debts and Judgements all rolled into one wonderful series of crack for your amusement. Thank you for all the reviews!
1. 31 Pouts to Die for

**Re-uploaded as a series because I feel like it, thank you to all who reviewed before!! Dedicated to Razeasha**

**Disclaimer: LK does not own DGM : D**

By: Lonely Kitty

31 Pouts to Die For

Call Allen Moyashi

Make everyone call him Moyashi

stick a "hug-me-im-to-cute-for-my-own-good-sign to the back of his head

Call him old man

Call him adorable and cute, glomp him, and run away squealing

Make him wear a maids outfit

Take pictures of him in maid outfit

Give everyone in the black order (including the asia branch) a copy of picture

To make it even worse, find cross and give him several

Tell Allen that General Cross lost everything at a casino and is sending the bill to him

Whisper "Debt! Debt! Debt!" in his ear while he is sleeping

Tell him that he has curves (he really does!)

Draw on his face while he is sleeping

Tell him that Lenalee has the hots for him

Threaten to tell Komui that he kissed Lenalee

Tell Komui anyway

Smile at him innocently while Komorin mega comes crashing down

Hide him in a closet with Kanda

Stick Lavi in there to

Conveniently forget about them and leave only one loaf of bread

Put a secret spy camera in there and videotape them fighting

Smile at them innocently when you "conveniently" remember about them

Run away as if the Earl himself was after you (well…this might be worse)

Tell him that Jerry has left the order forever

Wave mitarashi dango in front of him, but say that if he eats it, you will ask Cross to send over all his debts

Eat all (or at least, as much as you can) of his food in front of him

Glue his face to his pillow

Put him in a room with Tyki, Road, The Earl and Lero.

Make him play poker with The Earl's "custom made cards" (he drew them himself so Allen wouldn't cheat

Forbid him from cheating with poker (and make him play strip poker when he does)

Force him to eat alcohol laced chocolates

**BoNuS!:** drug allen, tie him to a bedpost, and laugh your ass off when he wakes up in a room full of beer cans and a drunk Kanda, Lavi, and Lenalee (Please! I do not encourage underage drinking!)

LK- And I repeat, I do not encourage underage drinking! Anyway, please R&R!

~The One and Only, Lonely Kitty~


	2. 27 Death Wishes

Gathering all crack DGM one shots into one because I feel like it. Dedicated to Jaded Lemon Sushi Panda. Thank you to all who reviewed before!!

**Disclaimer: Does not own DGM okie? : D**

By: Lonely Kitty

27 Death Wishes

Steal Kanda's pants and replace them with Lenalee's skirt.

Take pictures of him in skirt.

Send pictures of him in skirt to General Tiedoll.

Put hot sauce in his Soba.

If he figures this out before he eats it, then steal the new soba that he will most likely get.

Eat it in front of him.

Call him Yuu-chan.

Make Allen call him Yuu-chan.

Make everyone in the Order call him Yuu-chan.

Call him "Kandy".

Play with his hair.

Glue on frilly hot pink bows in his hair.

Replace his soap with strawberry scented shampoo.

If he refuses to use it, threaten to dose him in bleach instead.

Show him every yaoi picture involving him that you can find.

Make him sing Touchdown Turnaround by HelloGoodbye.

To make it worse, make him sing it in a frilly pink dress and a ribbon in his hair.

To top it off, film it and show it to the black order on movie night.

Steal Mugen and paint it fluorescent neon green and yellow.

Make him go on a 3 month mission with Allen.

Call him feminine, girly, and any other name that will make him doubt his masculinity.

Change Allen, Lavi, Krory, Miranda, Komui, Lenalee, and Cross into cats (except for Lavi, change him into a rabbit).

Make him baby-sit Allen, Lavi, Krory, Miranda, Komui, Lenalee and Cross or else steal his Soba and Mugen again.

Whenever he is in a good mood, make them start meowing again.

Let loose rabid fangirls inside his room.

Put him in room with rabid fangirls.

Put a "glomp me" sign at his back.

R&R if you may : D

~The One and Only, Lonely Kitty~


	3. 23 Ways to Skin a Rabbit

Grouping all those little DGM crack ficclets that I have, because I feel like it. For Baka Penguin! Thanks to all those who reviewed before!

**Disclaimer: Does not own DGM, okie? : D**

23 Ways to Skin a Rabbit

PrAnK: Steal Kanda's Mugen and place a pretty pink bow on it.

PrAnK: Dye Allen's hair red and say he looks like Cross's son.

PrAnK on Lavi!: Put all of Lenalee's undergarments into a bag and drop them at Lavi's feet…

…and kindly send a raging Lenalee after him

Drink all of Komui's coffee and blame Lavi for it (even if he did or did not do it)

Say that he is Cross's illegitimate son…

…and now has to pay all of his debts (what a relief to Allen huh?)

Put him in a flimsy bunny outfit…

…and make him pose for spastic fan girls

Say Krory really is a vampire and is after him

Replace his hammer with a plastic fairy wand

Stick him in an escape proof library with Bookman

Douse his food with chili and give him lemonade afterwards (my uncle did that to me…the jerk)

Glue a Bunny mask over his face

Have every girl he hits on slap him in the face (if they don't already)

Hit him on the head at random moments

Bash cymbals and drums all day at the order and if anyone asks say that it's for Lavi's sake

Start a food fight and blame Lavi for it

Force him to play poker against Allen

Carry a trumpet and play it in his face at random times

Steal his eye-patch and scarf and wear it

Slap, scream, kick, punch, and do whatever it takes to wake up Lavi

After he wakes up, say hi and run away laughing

**BoNuS:** **Lavi's Misfortune **(takes place during the Vampire arc…for some reason I couldn't help but poke fun at Lavi here :D)

Oh sure, it was the perfect day. The sun was shining, the air was clear, so why, why, why must out dear lovable rabbit be stuck in this dreary place? Stuck inside a horrible castle with man-eating plants that were currently trying to tear him apart limb from limb? Lavi

Struggled weakly, all the while cursing at the plant. The only response was a tighter grip and another bite. He wailed and cried and tried desperately to grasp his fallen Innocence. But alas, to no avail. "Stupid flower….STUPID FLOWER!" he slammed his fists against the soft petals of the violent violet. In the distance he could hear the advice of his fellow exorcist. Desperate to get free, he listened with all his might, took in a deep breath and screamed… "I LOVE YOU!!!"

Though Lavi still has some scars from that misfortunate disaster he could help but think "Those flowers sure did have some choppers."

R&R if you like~

~The One and Only Lonely Kitty


	4. 17 Hits on the Head with a Clipboard

Crack DGM one shots rolled into a series, yay. Thanks to those who reviewed before!!

**Disclaimer: Does not own DGM, okiiies? : D**

By: Lonely Kitty

17 Hits on the Head with a Clipboard

Make her watch Allen and Kanda fight

Tell her that Lou Fa has a crush on Allen (tape reaction and show it to Allen)

Tell her that Allen has a crush on her

Make her watch Allen flirt with another girl

Tell her that Komui has made another Komorin…

…and unleashed it in the order…

…and has taken her hostage

Give her all the undeniable proof that Bak has been stalking her

To make her really annoyed, tell Komui that Bak has been stalking her

Steal her shoes

Switch her uniform with Allen's, Allen's with Lavi's, Lavi's with Allen's and Kanda with Lenalee's (so that Lenalee has Allen's, Allen has Lavi's, Lavi has Kanda's and Kanda has Lenalee's)

Replace her hair ties with frilly pink bows with hearts on them

Steal her undergarments, and put them in Allen's room

Hit her behind the back and blame Allen for it

Pull her hair (if her hair is short then ruffle it)

Make her play strip poker with Allen, Lavi, and Kanda…drunk

Make everyone in the Black Order act out Sleeping Beauty. She is sleeping beauty and the prince is…(well, ill leave it up to you –wink-)

R&R uuu~

~The One and Only, Lonely Kitty~


	5. 9 Killer Komurins

Series of crack ficclets re-uploaded. Thanks to those who reviewed before!

**Disclaimer: No. Own. DGM. Okie? : DD**

By: Lonely Kitty

9 Killer Komurins

Way #9: Have Allen (or maybe Krory) with you when you enter through the front gate. You might just be mistaken for an akuma and be placed in an omelet… or have a very pissed of Kanda come after you. Wither way, they wont care if you're a friend or not.

Way #8: Disrupt his oh so precious sleep time…or draw on his face, either way ends with the same result :)

Way #7: Replace his coffee with water and black food coloring (is there such a thing?!)

Way #6: Say that Allen has sustained severe injuries to his Innocence and needs to be… attended to…right away (I'm sorry Allen!)

Way #5: Forbid him from ever making another invention starting with Kom and ending with rin#

Way #4: Force him to clean his office and **keep** it clean for at _**least**_ a week.

Way #3: Tell him that all the exorcist are molesting Lenalee

Way #2: Tell him that Lenalee really **is** getting married and show him the ring and everything.

Way #1: Show him endless videos of Allen, Kanda, or Lavi kissing, and doing other things to Lenalee, and if he can't stand it, show him it in person. XD

LK-Well, it's kinda hard to piss Komui off but it's super easy to get yourself killed by him XD but nya that was so short! So ill make an omake! Enjoy! ~

**Omake**

"Lenaleeeee!!!"

Komui's shout echoed off the Order's walls as he stampeded atop his beloved Komurin's head in search of his beloved little sister. Komurin was fastly approaching a wall and took a harsh right, causing Komui to swerve dangerously to the left and fly off.

Komui hit the wall with a hard 'thud' and sank to the cold concrete floor below him. Wincing in pain he grasped his right arm which had most likely become sprained. Or worse, broken.

"Lenaleeee, where are you??? Your darling older brother needs you!...needs you…"

Komui's face changed to that of soft melancholy. 'I need you? Its suppose to be the other way around." It was so long ago now, but he could still see the image in his mind. Lenalee strapped down on that horrid bed in that horrid room. Slightly mumbling something about wanting and home. He almost snapped right then and there. But Komui forced himself to calm and lightly placed his hand on her forehead.

"This is our home now, from now on, I'll be staying with you now."

Long suppressed gratefully tears slipped down his sister's cheeks. "Nii…san…" it was heartbreaking. She needed him as much as he needed her. So, he would do whatever it took to keep her safe, even if he had to defy god he would…

"Nii-san? What are you doing here?"

A soft hand helped him to his feet as Komui stared into loving lavender eyes. She smiled as she led him to the infirmary after lightly tapping his injured arm.

"You should really be more careful Nii-san!"

Komui merely smile. He didn't need a God; all he needed was his adoring little angel, his Lenalee.

And damn all of God's creations if some pervert tried to take her away from him

**FIN!**

R & R whewt.

The One and only, Lonely Kitty


	6. 13 Debts and Judgements

Alright here's the last installment of my CRACK DGM one-shots, dedicated to Fueru! Thanks to all those who reviewed before!!

**Disclaimer: Kitty no owns DGM okie~? **

By: Lonely Kitty

13 Debts and Judgments

Judgment#1: Steal his cigarettes and hide them inside Tim, and when he's just about to snap, tell him they've been in Tim the entire time.

Debt#2: For stealing his cigs, you will take his place when the debt collectors come (and must pay them the debt he owes, damage costs, and mental trauma fees.)

Judgment#3 Make him stay in the Black Order with no wine, woman, and filled with dirty men

Debt#4 Be shot with Judgment every time he gets pissed off while in there (that's a death sentence)

Judgment#5 Make him pay his own debts

Debt#6 He'll forward it 7x the sum back towards you

Judgment#7 Make him stick around Tiedol for an entire day and then a day with The Earl, switch back and forth until he cracks

Debt#8 He will crack your skull faster than you can say 'idiot apprentice' afterwards

Judgement#9 Make him be as close as he can get to "Kind" to Allen for at **least** a _**week**_ (that means no hitting, punching, yelling, cursing at, ect.)

Debt#10 You become his Guinea Pig for **all **experiments, including altering, dissection, new training methods and mental trauma experimentation

Judgments#11 Cut his hair reeeeeal short and dye it blue

Debt#12 make you live through his "training" for five years (you have to **live** through it)

Death Sentence! Final Judgment!!! Is actually a series of events that you must complete…and get out…alive~! Judgment 2. Steal his cigs he is a horrible womanizer 4. Say he's a drukie 5. Tell him he's old 6. Tell him he's going to end up like Tiedoll 7. Ban him from drinking forever 8. Make him tell everyone who the heck Is Maria! (we all have our assumptions but nothings as good as the cold hard truth)

LK- be warned, you shall not live to see another day if you attempt **any **and **all** of these crazy raving rants of a cat, please take heed of my warning nya~

O**m**_a_ke

Still being his young, innocent (though slowly, he's not so innocent anymore) self, while on a trip to China, Allen asked about the wildlife in the region.

"Idiot apprentice" Cross said with a slight slur. He had been drinking white a lot of sake upon arrival. "You can see a bit without me being with you in China" Cross's words still come out slurred and what Allen actually heard was:

"You can't swing a bat without hitting a Panda in China" albeit a bit messy and muffled.

Allen tilted his head in confusion as he stroked the black and white fur of the Panda next to him which was happily munching on a bamboo shoot.

'_Is that so'_

And still, when Allen was sent out with Lenalee, Lavi, Bookman, and the new companion Krory, Allen still could help but think that something was watching him. He peeked out from under the canvas that kept out the droning rain.

"What's up Allen?" Lenalee piped from beside him, her long hair tickling his side. Allen glanced around, but finding nothing, he lightly mumbled a response "I feel like something's watching us….maybe it's a panda"

Lenalee gave a small scowl which she quickly masked with an irritated grin. "Sure Allen, you can't swing a bat without hitting a panda in China…"

-:-

Omake was inspired by a doujin I bought a few years back. Thanks for all the luff for these weird ficcus. Review if you may. Thanks~

~The One and Only, Lonely Kitty


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